Sacrifices

 Have you ever had one of those days where so much and so many people have kicked you while you were already on your hands and knees? Please allow me to tell you a little about myself. Before you continue to read I must warn you, this is not going to be one of those blogs where something positive is going to come out of it. This is me venting. This is me letting it all out. I am one of those people that everyone knows they could pretty much ask for anything from me and I would do my best to make it happen. I have always believed that through sacrifices greater things will be gained. I have always been willing to make the sacrifices I needed to make to achieve the things I wanted to achieve. I have always been willing to go the distance. When I love, I love. I wear my heart on my sleeve and give my all. I have always believed that people deserve to have at least one person in their life to show them that when life knocks them down and their self confidence is close to nonexistent that there is someone out there that will always love them. I have had so much happen to me. I have had so many people come into my life and take everything they could and then leave me there empty handed, holding my crumbled and bruised heart, watching them walk away because I had nothing else to give. You can call me a push over but really I just like to love. I want, scratch that, wanted to make a difference. Even if it was just in one person's life. See, that's the problem. I place way too much trust in humans. I do things and sacrifice things in hopes of the getting same in return. That is NEVER going to happen. People are way too selfish. No matter how hard I try it will not make a difference. I will still be the one to blame, I will never be good enough, I will never have enough to sacrifice, and I will always be used. Doesn't that just suck? Too bad. It's time to suck it up. It's time to get up, throw the shattered pieces of my heart away, take a deep breathe and say fuck it. It's time to get out in this world and show no weakness. Eat or be eaten right? I am pretty sure I have officially learned my lesson. My heart will no longer be on my sleeve. You want to blame me for what you have done? Prepare for an argument. You want to treat me like shit? I hope you're okay with being treated the same way. You have your hand out to take something from me? You better show me what you have to give first. I am tired of being the person that everyone knows they can get things from. I am tired of being ran over. I am tired of people mistaking my kindness for weakness. I am tired of getting hurt. Congratulations world! You have officially made me just like you. I have set way too high of standards for myself. I don't think that because I can't meet those standards but because I can not maintain them. What do you do when you don't like who you are? Change it. I am done living for other people's happiness at the expense of mine. Funny thing is, I can count on one hand the people that will stick with me through these changes. So, to those of you who realize that I am no longer the push over you loved so much, goodbye. I am far better off without you in my life. You know where the door is and I promise you that you will not be missed. I am done sacrificing. The only sacrifices that will be made from here on out will be the ones I decide are worth it...for MY happiness. Okay, I believe I am done venting. I feel MUCH better. That is all. Thank you for reading.

Is Being Gay A Choice?

Today I read something where someone had made the comment, “My sister chose to be gay. Being gay is a choice.” This really hit home. Of course, anything about homosexuals is going to hit home with me because I am a lesbian. I want to share my story. I first started questioning my sexuality when I was thirteen. Most of my friends would have described me as “Godly.” I wore my religion like it was a t-shirt. I made sure people knew just how much my relationship with God meant to me. He was everything to me. I would eat, sleep and breathe God. I would pray and when I was on my knees I would be able to feel God. People who have had a true relationship with God know what I am talking about. When the air around you gets thick and every nerve in your body responds to the slightest change in temperature. You are so caught up in prayer that nothing can distract you. When your body is physically there but your heart and soul is sitting next to God sharing every piece of your life with Him. People would come to ME to pray for them. I had people tell me how they could see God in me. It made me proud because I felt like I was doing something right for God. Nothing could go wrong. If God is for you then who can be against you, right? I had a friend who I slowly fell in love with. At first I had no idea what was happening. She really was my best friend. I shared all of my secrets, fears, memories, laughs, and smiles with her. I remember my body desiring to be close to her. I wanted my arm to just brush up against her because it gave me this exhilarating sensation. I felt love for her. It wasn’t the same love that I felt for my other friends. It was so much more. I wanted to hold her hand, to cuddle, to make her smile. I didn’t realize what was happening until a cousin asked me if we were girlfriends. I was so confused. What did he mean? I’m not gay! Being gay is a sin and I would never go against God like that! That thought was absurd! He apologized and the comment was looked over. However, the thought was planted in my head. I over analyzed it and the more I thought about it the more I realized that it was true. I was madly and deeply in love with my best friend. I refused to admit it. This couldn’t be true. This is just Satan tempting me. I will overcome this. My God is stronger. I ended that friendship quickly. I swallowed any thought of homosexuality and I threw myself into God’s word. Three years later I got a job and my boss was a lesbian. When I found out my heart screamed run but my brain wanted to explore. As I got to know her I realized that she was just like everyone else. She was human. She was absolutely beautiful. Her laugh was music to my ears. Her smile made me feel like all the evil in the world had disappeared. When she cried my body would tense up and every alarm would go off. I had to fix it. I had to make it okay. She would walk past me and I would inhale her perfume. The scent would relax my body and make it welcome the deep feelings that were being created deep within the pit of my stomach. I found myself attached to her hip and when I wasn’t with her I caught myself constantly thinking and talking about her. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what was happening. The funny thing was that my boss never even once gave me the impression that she felt the same. We never had a relationship and I never shared my feelings for her. Even though I’m sure she knew.  I quietly struggled with my love for her and my love for God.  My mom decided to ask to me about it. She asked me if I was a lesbian. I denied it numerous times. I didn’t want to be gay. I wanted to love God and be lost in His love. I was raised in a home where you were taught to get an education, get married, have children, and love God. No other lifestyle was acceptable. I remember going to church and feeling so guilty. I would get home and cry. I would sit in the back of the church feeling less of a person. I didn’t feel like people were judging me but instead I felt like God had left me. I felt empty. My heart was hollow and I felt nothing but emptiness and sadness. When I prayed my prayers would echo in my ears with no response from this God that I had given my life to. The one thing that made me happy made me feel depressed. I would run up to the alter, fall to my knees and beg God to take away my homosexual feelings. I would feel the tears rolling down my cheeks as I poured my soul out to a God who I could no longer feel. I quit my job thinking that if I sacrificed things in my life then God would answer my prayers. I even tried to ignore the feelings. Eventually another girl would walk into my life and disturb the feelings I had tucked deep into the creases of my mind. When my pastor found out that I was having homosexual feelings rumors started flying. It went from “Olivia was seen holding hands with a girl,” to “Olivia was having sex with a girl during church functions.” He banned me from praying for people at church. I was no longer allowed to stand up and share the things God had done for me. I hadn’t even done anything but try to be straight. I tried so hard to change. I saw my mom cry at night begging God to not send me to Hell. I watched as me struggling with my sexuality tore down the Christian foundation that my family was built on. I felt like a waste. I had begged God…this God that I loved, to just make me straight. I did everything right! All I wanted was to be normal. I wanted to fall in love with a guy. I couldn’t force those feelings though. They just weren’t there. No matter how much I cried and begged I was never going to have those feelings. When I was finally able to admit that I had started cutting. Watching myself bleed reminded me that I was still human. It made me forget about the emotional knife that continuously stabbed my soul and made me think about physical pain instead. One day I had decided that I was going to end my life. I was going to slit my wrists and end all the pain and misery. I walked into my sister’s house, for what I thought was going to be the last time, and she smiled. She said, “Olivia, sit down. I want to ask you something. Are you a lesbian? If you are, that’s okay. I will always love you. You are my best friend. I will march in the pride parade if you want me to. I just want to know.” I was speechless. I didn’t know what to do or say. I shook my head and started to cry. She hugged me and told me she loved me. She apologized for everything that had happened with the church and our family. She made me feel loved. She saved my life. My name is Olivia and I am here to say that being gay is not a choice. I tried to be straight.  I wanted to be straight. I could not. I am a lesbian. I am human. And there is nothing wrong with me. I deserve to feel love and to love. God loves me. My family is now accepting and loves me. My future wife will love me. My children will love me. I love me. For anyone that would like to say that being homosexual is a choice has no idea. Maybe they should test their theory. Maybe they should try to be gay. They will soon realize they if they are heterosexual they will never be able to create feelings for the same sex. Those feelings just no not exist. You do not choose who you fall in love with. Your mind, body and soul are attracted to the people that connect to you. They fill an empty space inside that you are not capable of filling. I am not fishing for attention by writing this. I just like to think that if I can make one person realize how painful it is trying to be something you’re not then that is one less person in the world that will keep from commenting on something that they do not understand. Think before you speak. We are all entitled to our own beliefs, however, before you share them you better be able to back it up. I hope my story reaches someone and helps them. There are people out there that just need to hear that they are loved.

Thank you for reading.

Written By: Olivia Matthews

Your Eyes

Your Eyes
 I look into your eyes,
 You look into mine,
 The feelings that you show,
 Overwhelm my mind,
 You hold me so close,
 In your arms I lie,
 I look up and see love,
 Deep within your eyes

 My brain is on fire,
 My heart is ice cold,
 They are fighting against each other,
 And I have no control,
 One desires to love,
 The other, to obey,
 And worries too much about what others may say,
 The question comes to the surface,
 What will I do?
 Will I choose my brain?
 Or will I choose you?
 When you put fire to ice,
 Smoke is created,
 Now all I feel is suffocated,
 The decision remains unmade,
 And your smile will never fade,
 So for now you can hold me,
 And while in your arms I lie,
 I will never stop looking,
 Into your eyes.
 -Olivia Matthews