Today I read something where someone had made the comment, “My
sister chose to be gay. Being gay is a choice.” This really hit home. Of course,
anything about homosexuals is going to hit home with me because I am a lesbian.
I want to share my story. I first started questioning my sexuality when I was
thirteen. Most of my friends would have described me as “Godly.” I wore my
religion like it was a t-shirt. I made sure people knew just how much my
relationship with God meant to me. He was everything to me. I would eat, sleep
and breathe God. I would pray and when I was on my knees I would be able to
feel God. People who have had a true relationship with God know what I am
talking about. When the air around you gets thick and every nerve in your body
responds to the slightest change in temperature. You are so caught up in prayer
that nothing can distract you. When your body is physically there but your
heart and soul is sitting next to God sharing every piece of your life with
Him. People would come to ME to pray for them. I had people tell me how they
could see God in me. It made me proud because I felt like I was doing something
right for God. Nothing could go wrong. If God is for you then who can be
against you, right? I had a friend who I slowly fell in love with. At first I
had no idea what was happening. She really was my best friend. I shared all of
my secrets, fears, memories, laughs, and smiles with her. I remember my body
desiring to be close to her. I wanted my arm to just brush up against her
because it gave me this exhilarating sensation. I felt love for her. It wasn’t
the same love that I felt for my other friends. It was so much more. I wanted
to hold her hand, to cuddle, to make her smile. I didn’t realize what was
happening until a cousin asked me if we were girlfriends. I was so confused.
What did he mean? I’m not gay! Being gay is a sin and I would never go against
God like that! That thought was absurd! He apologized and the comment was
looked over. However, the thought was planted in my head. I over analyzed it
and the more I thought about it the more I realized that it was true. I was
madly and deeply in love with my best friend. I refused to admit it. This couldn’t
be true. This is just Satan tempting me. I will overcome this. My God is
stronger. I ended that friendship quickly. I swallowed any thought of
homosexuality and I threw myself into God’s word. Three years later I got a job
and my boss was a lesbian. When I found out my heart screamed run but my brain
wanted to explore. As I got to know her I realized that she was just like
everyone else. She was human. She was absolutely beautiful. Her laugh was music
to my ears. Her smile made me feel like all the evil in the world had
disappeared. When she cried my body would tense up and every alarm would go
off. I had to fix it. I had to make it okay. She would walk past me and I would
inhale her perfume. The scent would relax my body and make it welcome the deep feelings
that were being created deep within the pit of my stomach. I found myself
attached to her hip and when I wasn’t with her I caught myself constantly
thinking and talking about her. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out
what was happening. The funny thing was that my boss never even once gave me
the impression that she felt the same. We never had a relationship and I never
shared my feelings for her. Even though I’m sure she knew. I quietly struggled with my love for her and
my love for God. My mom decided to ask
to me about it. She asked me if I was a lesbian. I denied it numerous times. I
didn’t want to be gay. I wanted to love God and be lost in His love. I was
raised in a home where you were taught to get an education, get married, have
children, and love God. No other lifestyle was acceptable. I remember going to
church and feeling so guilty. I would get home and cry. I would sit in the back
of the church feeling less of a person. I didn’t feel like people were judging
me but instead I felt like God had left me. I felt empty. My heart was hollow
and I felt nothing but emptiness and sadness. When I prayed my prayers would
echo in my ears with no response from this God that I had given my life to. The
one thing that made me happy made me feel depressed. I would run up to the
alter, fall to my knees and beg God to take away my homosexual feelings. I
would feel the tears rolling down my cheeks as I poured my soul out to a God
who I could no longer feel. I quit my job thinking that if I sacrificed things
in my life then God would answer my prayers. I even tried to ignore the
feelings. Eventually another girl would walk into my life and disturb the
feelings I had tucked deep into the creases of my mind. When my pastor found
out that I was having homosexual feelings rumors started flying. It went from “Olivia
was seen holding hands with a girl,” to “Olivia was having sex with a girl
during church functions.” He banned me from praying for people at church. I was
no longer allowed to stand up and share the things God had done for me. I hadn’t
even done anything but try to be straight. I tried so hard to change. I saw my
mom cry at night begging God to not send me to Hell. I watched as me struggling
with my sexuality tore down the Christian foundation that my family was built
on. I felt like a waste. I had begged God…this God that I loved, to just make
me straight. I did everything right! All I wanted was to be normal. I wanted to
fall in love with a guy. I couldn’t force those feelings though. They just
weren’t there. No matter how much I cried and begged I was never going to have
those feelings. When I was finally able to admit that I had started cutting.
Watching myself bleed reminded me that I was still human. It made me forget
about the emotional knife that continuously stabbed my soul and made me think about
physical pain instead. One day I had decided that I was going to end my life. I
was going to slit my wrists and end all the pain and misery. I walked into my
sister’s house, for what I thought was going to be the last time, and she
smiled. She said, “Olivia, sit down. I want to ask you something. Are you a
lesbian? If you are, that’s okay. I will always love you. You are my best
friend. I will march in the pride parade if you want me to. I just want to
know.” I was speechless. I didn’t know what to do or say. I shook my head and
started to cry. She hugged me and told me she loved me. She apologized for
everything that had happened with the church and our family. She made me feel
loved. She saved my life. My name is Olivia and I am here to say that being gay
is not a choice. I tried to be straight. I wanted to be straight. I could not. I am a
lesbian. I am human. And there is nothing wrong with me. I deserve to feel love
and to love. God loves me. My family is now accepting and loves me. My future
wife will love me. My children will love me. I love me. For anyone that would
like to say that being homosexual is a choice has no idea. Maybe they should
test their theory. Maybe they should try to be gay. They will soon realize they
if they are heterosexual they will never be able to create feelings for the
same sex. Those feelings just no not exist. You do not choose who you fall in
love with. Your mind, body and soul are attracted to the people that connect to
you. They fill an empty space inside that you are not capable of filling. I am
not fishing for attention by writing this. I just like to think that if I can
make one person realize how painful it is trying to be something you’re not
then that is one less person in the world that will keep from commenting on
something that they do not understand. Think before you speak. We are all entitled
to our own beliefs, however, before you share them you better be able to back
it up. I hope my story reaches someone and helps them. There are people out
there that just need to hear that they are loved.
Thank you for reading.
Written By: Olivia Matthews
